Dear Someone: Your love isn't wrong just because they can't accept it.
Read this if you're loving someone who seems determined to push you away, sabotage your relationship, or make you pay for caring about them
Dear, Dear Someone, _
The confusion runs deep when you love someone who seems determined to make you regret it. Each gesture of love you offer becomes a weapon they turn against you. Each step forward you take together becomes a reason for them to retreat three steps back. Your warmth is met with cold shoulders, your kindness with cruel words, your devotion with distance.
It's a peculiar kind of pain, watching someone interpret your love through the distorted lens of their self-hatred. Every "I love you" becomes suspicious to them. Every act of kindness feels like a debt they'll have to repay. Every compliment sounds like mockery to their ears. Your genuine affection becomes evidence of your poor judgment in their minds – after all, how could anyone truly love someone they despise so deeply?
The pattern is relentless. Just when you think you've broken through their walls, they build them higher. Just when you believe you've proven your love is genuine, they find new ways to test it. Just when you feel you're getting closer, they create another maze of emotional barriers to keep you out.
Their self-loathing speaks a language of destruction. It whispers to them that they don't deserve love, that anyone who claims to love them must be lying or mistaken. And so they embark on a mission to prove themselves right – to show you just how unlovable they believe themselves to be. They push you away before you can leave. They hurt you before you can hurt them. They reject your love before it has the chance to reject them.
It's exhausting, isn't it? Walking on eggshells, carefully choosing every word, wondering which version of them you'll encounter today. The constant dance between their moments of vulnerability and their sudden retreats into darkness. The way they punish you for seeing the good in them that they cannot see in themselves.
But here's what you need to understand: their behavior isn't about you. Their rejection of your love isn't a reflection of your worth or the authenticity of your feelings. It's about their own battlefield within, their own wounds that haven't healed, their own mirrors they've shattered.
You cannot hate someone into loving themselves. You cannot love someone enough to compensate for their self-loathing. Their journey toward self-acceptance is theirs to walk. Your love, no matter how pure or powerful, cannot be their sole reason for choosing self-worth.
This doesn't mean your love isn't valuable or that it can't be part of their healing. But it does mean that you need to protect your own heart while loving them. Set boundaries. Maintain your self-respect. Don't let their self-hatred convince you to hate yourself too.
Remember that their push-and-pull isn't your responsibility to fix. Their healing isn't your project to complete. Their self-worth isn't your burden to build. Love them, yes, but love them without losing yourself in their struggle.
Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do – both for them and for yourself – is to step back and let them face their own reflection. Sometimes, love means giving them space to fight their inner battles without making yourself a casualty in their war against themselves.
Your love isn't wrong just because they can't accept it. Your heart isn't misguided just because they don't believe they deserve it. Your feelings aren't invalid just because they can't understand them.
Stand firm in your truth. Love openly but wisely. Set boundaries that protect your spirit while leaving space for their growth. And most importantly, remember that you cannot be the solution to someone else's self-hatred – that's a journey they must choose for themselves.
May you find the strength to love without losing yourself, and the wisdom to know when to hold space and when to create it.
With understanding and fortitude,
—Ali Papa.
PS — Their self-hatred may try to punish your love, but don't let it teach you to hate loving. Your capacity to love despite the pain is not a weakness – it's a light that deserves to keep shining, even if not in their darkness.
In the journey of healing and self-discovery, it's essential to have a range of tools and perspectives to guide you. The following sections are companions to this letter, designed to offer you additional support and insights. From gentle reminders for the hardest days to signs of growth that you might notice, each section is crafted to help you navigate the complexities of loving someone who struggles with self-loathing. You'll find bridges to tomorrow, healing rituals to soothe your soul, and questions to ask yourself to deepen your understanding. When you need this most, turn to the songs for your journey, the letters to write, and the healing metaphors that will offer you comfort and clarity. Additionally, you'll find permission slips to allow yourself the grace and space you need, signs it's time to return, and a reminder of your support circle who stands by you. Each section is a gentle hand to hold, a whisper of encouragement, and a beacon of hope on your path.
—Life lessons for the week:
Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup. True generosity flows from abundance, not scarcity. Fill your cup first, and watch as your overflow nourishes those around you. It is not selfish to prioritize your well-being; it is necessary. For in taking care of yourself, you create a sustainable source of love and support that not only benefits you but also enriches the lives of those you cherish. Your worth is not measured by how much you give until you break, but by the love and care you show to yourself and others from a place of fullness and joy.
—Note to self:
I am not responsible for fixing someone's self-hatred. My love is a gift, not a cure. I will love openly but wisely, setting boundaries that protect my spirit while leaving space for their growth. Their journey to self-worth is their own, and my journey is to love without losing myself in their struggle. I will stand firm in my truth and remember that my capacity to love is a light that deserves to keep shining, even if not in their darkness.
—Gentle Reminder:
You cannot love someone into loving themselves. Their healing is their journey, and your love is a beacon, not a crutch. Tend to your own heart first, and love with boundaries that honor both your light and their path to self-discovery.
—Reflections for Your Journal:
In what ways have I allowed someone else's self-loathing to affect my own sense of worth and well-being? How can I reclaim my power and maintain my emotional boundaries moving forward?
What are some signs that I am giving too much of myself in a relationship? How can I ensure that I am giving from a place of abundance rather than depletion?
How does it feel when my expressions of love are met with resistance or rejection? What steps can I take to protect my heart and preserve my emotional energy in these moments?
In what areas of my life do I need to practice more self-compassion and self-care? What actions can I take today to fill my own cup and nourish my spirit?
What does it mean to love someone wisely and with boundaries? How can I cultivate this kind of love in my relationships, and what challenges might I face along the way?
—Gentle Reminders for Hard Days:
It is not your responsibility to fix or change someone. Their journey to self-love and acceptance is their own, and your role is to support, not to carry them.
Your love is valuable and meaningful, even if it is not received or reciprocated in the way you hope. Your capacity to love deeply is a strength, not a weakness.
It is okay to set boundaries and protect your heart. Loving someone does not mean you have to endure mistreatment or sacrifice your own well-being.
You are worthy of love and belonging, regardless of how others treat you or perceive themselves. Your worth is inherent and cannot be diminished by another's self-loathing.
It is normal to feel confused, hurt, and exhausted when loving someone who pushes you away. These feelings are valid, and it is important to acknowledge and honor them.
You cannot pour from an empty cup. It is essential to prioritize your own needs and fill your own cup first. This is not selfish; it is necessary for your well-being and the sustainability of your love.
You are not alone in this struggle. Many have walked this path before you, and there is a community of support available to you. Reach out, share your story, and seek connection with those who understand.
—Questions to Ask Yourself:
How often do I find myself feeling drained or depleted after interactions with this person? Has this frequency changed over time, and if so, in what ways?
Have I been able to communicate my needs and boundaries effectively? How have these conversations gone, and what can I learn from them to improve future communication?
In what areas of my life have I noticed improvements in my self-care and self-compassion? What specific actions have contributed to these improvements, and how can I continue to build on them?
How do I currently handle moments when the other person pushes me away or rejects my love? Have I developed healthier coping mechanisms, and if so, what are they?
Can I recognize and acknowledge the signs of growth and progress in my own journey? What specific moments or achievements stand out as indicators of my evolution?
How has my understanding of the other person's self-loathing deepened over time? Has this understanding helped me to respond more compassionately and wisely to their behavior?
Am I still holding onto any guilt or responsibility for the other person's actions or feelings? If so, what steps can I take to release this burden and focus on my own well-being and growth?
Bonus Question:
Have I been able to cultivate and maintain a support circle that uplifts and encourages me on my journey? What can I do to further strengthen and expand this circle, ensuring that I have the love and encouragement I need to continue growing?
—When You Need This Most:
After a difficult conversation or conflict with the person who struggles with self-loathing, and you find yourself feeling hurt, confused, or drained.
When you start to question your own worth or doubt your ability to love and be loved in return.
When you feel guilty for setting boundaries or prioritizing your own needs, and you need a reminder that self-care is not selfish.
During periods of self-doubt or emotional exhaustion, when you're struggling to maintain your own emotional well-being and could use some encouragement.
When you catch yourself slipping back into old patterns of giving too much of yourself or compromising your boundaries.
After experiencing a setback or disappointment in your relationship with the person who pushes you away, and you need help getting back on track.
When you witness the person you care about engaging in self-destructive behaviors, and you feel helpless or unsure of how to support them without losing yourself in the process.
Bonus Circumstance:
When you need a reminder that your love is valuable and meaningful, even if it's not received or reciprocated in the way you hope, and you want to reaffirm your commitment to loving wisely and with boundaries.
—Bridge to Tomorrow:
Write a love letter to yourself: Take a moment to sit down and write a heartfelt letter to yourself, acknowledging your strengths, your growth, and your capacity to love. Remind yourself of your worth and the importance of self-care. Keep this letter somewhere accessible and read it whenever you need a reminder of your own value.
Set one small boundary: Within the next 24 hours, choose one small boundary to set with someone in your life. It could be as simple as saying "no" to a request that would drain your energy, or communicating a need that you've been ignoring. Notice how it feels to honor your own needs and prioritize your well-being.
Practice a self-care ritual: Choose one self-care activity that you can do within the next day, such as taking a relaxing bath, going for a walk in nature, or spending time with a supportive friend. Make a commitment to engage in this activity regularly, as a way of filling your own cup and nourishing your spirit.
Reflect on a moment of growth: Think back to a recent moment when you handled a challenging situation with more grace, compassion, or wisdom than you might have in the past. Acknowledge this moment as a sign of your growth and evolution, and allow it to inspire you to continue moving forward on your journey.
Reach out to your support circle: Connect with someone in your life who understands and supports your journey. Share your thoughts and feelings with them, and allow yourself to receive their love and encouragement. Remind yourself that you are not alone, and that there are people in your life who care about you and want to help you grow.
—Letters to Write:
A Letter to Your Past Self:
— Write a letter to yourself from a year ago, or from a time when you were deeply struggling with the dynamics of your relationship. Offer words of comfort, wisdom, and encouragement, knowing what you know now. Remind your past self of the growth and resilience that lies ahead.
A Letter to the Person You Love:
— Write an uncensored, heartfelt letter to the person who struggles with self-loathing. Express all the thoughts, feelings, and experiences you've been holding back. You don't have to send this letter; its purpose is to help you process and release your emotions.
A Letter of Forgiveness:
— Write a letter forgiving yourself for any mistakes or perceived failures in your relationship. Acknowledge that you have done the best you could with the knowledge and resources you had. Grant yourself the grace and compassion you deserve.
A Letter to Your Fears:
— Write a letter addressing your fears and insecurities surrounding your relationship and the other person's self-loathing. Explore where these fears come from, how they manifest, and how they influence your actions and decisions.
A Letter of Gratitude:
— Write a letter expressing gratitude for the lessons, growth, and strengths you've gained through your experiences. Acknowledge the ways in which your journey has shaped you into a more resilient, compassionate, and wise individual. Reflect on the blessings and silver linings that have emerged from your challenges.
—Permission Slips:
I give myself permission to prioritize my own needs and well-being, knowing that I cannot pour from an empty cup.
I grant myself the freedom to set and maintain healthy boundaries, understanding that it is not only my right but also my responsibility to protect my emotional and physical space.
I allow myself to feel and express my emotions openly and honestly, acknowledging that my feelings are valid and deserve to be heard and respected.
I release myself from the burden of fixing or changing others, recognizing that their journey is their own, and my role is to support, not to control or rescue.
I give myself permission to walk away from relationships that are no longer serving me, trusting that letting go can be an act of self-love and self-preservation.
I grant myself the space and time to heal at my own pace, knowing that healing is not a linear process, and that it's okay to have setbacks and challenges along the way.
I allow myself to seek and accept support from others, understanding that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and that I deserve to be surrounded by love and encouragement.
Bonus Permission Slip:
I give myself permission to be imperfect and to make mistakes, embracing the knowledge that growth and learning often come from our struggles and setbacks, and that I am constantly evolving and improving.
—Words to Remember:
Your love is a precious gift, meant to be shared from a place of abundance, not depletion. Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup. Fill yourself first, and watch as your overflow nourishes not only those around you but also the very essence of your being. When you nurture yourself with the same tenderness you offer others, your capacity for love grows deeper and stronger. Like a well-tended garden, your spirit blooms most beautifully when given proper care and attention. Your worth isn't measured by how empty you can make yourself for others, but by how fully you can live in alignment with your own truth. In the gentle act of self-preservation, you create a sustainable source of love that flows naturally and freely, touching lives without depleting your own.
—Today's Meditation:
May you find the strength to love without losing yourself. May you remember that your worth is not measured by how much you give, but by the love and care you show to yourself and others from a place of fullness. May you learn to set boundaries that protect your spirit and honor your needs. May you release any guilt or responsibility for the actions and feelings of others, knowing that their journey is their own. May you be gentle with yourself, acknowledging that growth and healing take time and patience. May you recognize the signs of your own progress, celebrating each small victory and moment of growth. May you cultivate a support circle that uplifts and encourages you, reminding you that you are not alone on this journey. May you embrace the wisdom that you cannot pour from an empty cup, and may you commit to filling your own cup first. May everything you do be guided by self-compassion and the knowledge that you deserve to be nourished and loved. May you find peace in the understanding that your love is valuable and meaningful, even if it is not always received or reciprocated. May you trust in your own resilience and the power of your light to shine, even in the darkest times. May you always remember that you are worthy of love, respect, and the abundance that life has to offer.
—Thank you for taking the time to read my letters.
If you love this letter, you’ll love my books. They are written for you, to warm your heart and soul. They are written for broken hearts of all shapes and sizes. They are full of good things—everything I have been wanting to say to you and they are available for FREE download to all tribe members.
If you were unable to find yourself in today's letter, you don't have to worry. Tell me what you feel here, and I will write you a personal letter. The same God who can help you get by in life can also help you excel in life.
—Who is Ali Papa?
I'm a husband, father, friend, and merchant of faith, hope, and love, crafting heartfelt letters for every season and story. Writing to you is more than a hobby for me. It's a passion, a calling, and a way of life. I pour my heart and soul into every letter I send you, hoping to inspire you, inform you, heal with compassion, illuminate paths, instill courage, uplift spirits, spread positivity, and connect with sincerity.
My wish is that you continue to find the words that express your deepest and strongest emotions from them, regardless of the circumstances, and that you keep experiencing life, love, freedom, and fulfilment in your relationship. I live in Port Harcourt with my supportive wife and three adorable kids, who teach me the value of love every day.
