Dear Someone: You deserve a love that honors your whole self - your dreams, your quirks, your strengths, and even your flaws.

Read this if you're struggling to recognize the less obvious deal-breakers in your relationship, or if you're questioning whether certain behaviors are acceptable in a healthy partnership.

Dear, Dear Someone, _

In the realm of love and relationships, we often focus on the grand gestures and obvious pitfalls. We're quick to identify infidelity as a deal-breaker, but what about the quieter, more insidious behaviors that can slowly chip away at the very core of a relationship? Today, I want to talk to you about the less obvious, but equally damaging, deal-breakers that deserve your attention.

Love, in its purest form, should uplift, nurture, and inspire growth. It should be a safe haven where two individuals come together to support and cherish each other. But sometimes, in the haze of affection and the comfort of familiarity, we may overlook behaviors that are far from loving. We may dismiss red flags as quirks or justify harmful actions out of fear of being alone.

Let's shine a light on these hidden deal-breakers, not to instill fear or paranoia, but to empower you with knowledge and self-respect. Because you, dear someone, deserve a love that honors your worth and nurtures your spirit.

Gaslighting, a term you may have heard, is one such insidious behavior. It's a form of emotional manipulation where your partner makes you question your own reality. They might deny events you clearly remember, twist your words, or invalidate your feelings. "You're too sensitive," they might say, or "That never happened, you're imagining things." This constant doubt can erode your self-confidence and leave you feeling confused and powerless.

Remember, your feelings and experiences are valid. If you find yourself constantly second-guessing your own memory or sanity, it's time to take a step back and evaluate the dynamics of your relationship.

Another often overlooked deal-breaker is a lack of accountability. A partner who never takes responsibility for their actions, who always has an excuse or shifts blame onto others, is not ready for a mature, healthy relationship. Growth and improvement require acknowledgment of mistakes and a willingness to learn from them. Without accountability, conflicts remain unresolved, resentment builds, and trust erodes.

Immaturity in a relationship can manifest in various ways - from inability to handle conflicts constructively to shirking responsibilities. It could be a partner who sulks when they don't get their way, or one who expects you to parent them rather than be an equal partner. While we all have moments of immaturity, a consistent pattern can be exhausting and unfair to the more mature partner.

Mental and emotional abuse, though less visible than physical abuse, can be just as damaging. It can take the form of constant criticism, belittling, controlling behavior, or emotional blackmail. "If you really loved me, you would..." or "No one else would put up with you" are phrases that have no place in a loving relationship. These words and actions chip away at your self-esteem and independence, leaving scars that can take years to heal.

Financial instability, when coupled with a lack of effort to improve the situation, can also be a significant strain on a relationship. Money matters might seem mundane compared to matters of the heart, but financial stress can seep into every aspect of your life together. A partner who consistently makes poor financial decisions, refuses to budget, or expects you to shoulder all financial responsibilities is not contributing to a stable future.

In the case of blended families, a partner who doesn't accept or respect your children is showing a fundamental incompatibility with your life. Your children are an integral part of who you are. A partner who can't embrace this crucial aspect of your life is not embracing you fully.

Lastly, but certainly not least, is dishonesty. Trust is the bedrock of any strong relationship, and consistent dishonesty, whether it's about big issues or small daily matters, can erode that foundation. A pattern of lies, even seemingly harmless ones, can leave you constantly questioning and unable to fully relax in your relationship.

Now, dear someone, I want you to pause for a moment. Take a deep breath. If you've recognized any of these behaviors in your relationship, know that acknowledging them is the first step towards change. It doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is doomed, but it does mean that serious conversations and perhaps professional help are needed.

Remember, setting boundaries and recognizing deal-breakers isn't about being rigid or unforgiving. It's about valuing yourself and establishing the kind of relationship you deserve. It's about creating a partnership where both individuals can thrive, grow, and feel safe.

If you're in a relationship where these issues are present, it's crucial to communicate your concerns clearly and calmly. Give your partner a chance to understand the impact of their behavior and the opportunity to change. However, if there's no acknowledgment of the problem or willingness to work on it, you may need to make some difficult decisions.

It's also important to look inward. Are there areas where you might be contributing to these problems? Self-reflection and personal growth are vital components of any healthy relationship.

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Leaving a relationship, even a harmful one, can be incredibly difficult. There might be financial entanglements, shared history, or the fear of being alone. But staying in a relationship that continually undermines your worth and happiness is far more costly in the long run.

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Remember, you are worthy of love that uplifts you, of a partner who respects you, and of a relationship that brings out the best in both of you. Don't settle for less out of fear or habit.

If you're not in a relationship currently, use this knowledge as a guide for future partnerships. Know your worth, set your boundaries, and be clear about your expectations from the start.

In the end, a truly loving relationship should make you feel secure, respected, and valued. It should be a partnership of equals, where both individuals support each other's growth and happiness. Anything less is a compromise you don't have to make.

You deserve a love that honors your whole self - your dreams, your quirks, your strengths, and even your flaws. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

As you navigate the complex waters of relationships, always keep your self-respect as your north star. Let it guide you towards partnerships that nurture your soul and help you become the best version of yourself.

You are strong, you are worthy, and you have the power to create the loving, respectful relationship you desire.

With unwavering belief in your worth,

—Ali Papa.

Author of Letters of Woe​ and an ever-growing library of books
Conveyor of the Vistas of Hope Newsletter​
Shepherd of Wayward Wanderer

P.S. — Love isn't just about grand gestures or avoiding major betrayals. It's in the daily acts of respect, kindness, and mutual growth. Pay attention to these, for they are the true measure of a relationship's health and potential.

P.S.S. — If you’re still searching for your reflection in these words, if you’re feeling unseen or unheard, don’t worry—your unspoken words matter more than you know. Let me write you a personal letter - one that speaks directly to your heart. Click here and share your story with me. In the quiet space between your words and my understanding, we'll create something sacred together. Each letter is crafted with care, written just for you, and completely FREE.

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